Note: This is NOT Mama but it sure looks like it!
It totally happened. You never think it will happen to you. And then it does.
Mama innocently walks into the fitness studio to take the barre class that I’m currently obsessed with and the class is semi-full and it seems as if everyone is staring at Mama. Why? Well…aren’t all women staring at each other in a mirrored fitness class?! It’s bad enough that everyone is super skinny and toned and Mama just looks like how you should after having a baby…a poochy tummy and huge boobs. But that is exactly why Mama has been dedicated for the past seven weeks since clearance from the doc to go to class three times a week.
So it goes like this…
Mama: “Hi!”
Fitness instructor (note, with a smile and excited): “Hi! So tell me…how many weeks pregnant are you?”
CRICKETS AND STARES FROM ALL WOMEN IN THE ROOM (they were probably all wondering the same thing…right?!).
Mama: “Well, my baby is 12 weeks. Thank you!”
Mama wanted to die of humiliation but instead chalked it up as a funny moment because really…what else does one do when faced with the fact that your stomach does in fact still look pregnant after 12 weeks?!
So really, you hear of this happening but until it happens to exactly you there is just no comparison. She really did feel bad and Mama for sure wanted to curl up and die right there on the spot but worse than that, Mama is now caught up with thinking that everywhere Mama turns someone is thinking the same thing — when is she due?
One friend chalked it up as a “badge of honor” for having had three kids. It’s there and it might never go away! Mama hates this theory — Mama does NOT WANT this badge of honor and there has to be something…something…anything to make this poochy go away.
Another friend swears by breastfeeding. Mama breastfeeds! But this is clearly a myth and one chalked up to pure genetics. Mama is no Heidi Klum or Jessica Alba…this breastfeeding to lose weight thing is for the birds.
Yet another friend swears by running to get off the extra pounds. Uh…running?! Doesn’t going up and down the stairs in the house 5o times a day count as cardio? Mama is so, so NOT a runner. Have you ever tried to run with size 34G milk-filled breasts? Try it and then get back to Mama on whether or not you want to suggest running.
What about that Belly Bandit thing that Brooke Burke swears by? It’s a compression belt that squeezes everything in so you can’t breathe. Exactly that — you can’t breathe and it has to be the most uncomfortable thing on the planet. No thank you.
Then Mama’s Mama calls and says that she heard on the Dr.Oz Show (did Mama ever tell you that Mama’s Mama is obsessed with everything she sees and hears on TV and that it is the absolute TRUTH to everything) that avocado blasts belly fat away. Really? Mama loves avocados…what a great idea! Four bowls of guacamole and chips later…Mama looks down and the pooch has gotten bigger. This is so not the way to lose this thing.
What will make this pooch go away? Mama doesn’t remember it being this hard after Baby Boy…everything just kind-of melted. With Lily-girl it was a little bit harder but Mama was more accepting at that point that the “girlish” body Mama once had was now giving way to the “womanly” child-rearing body of today. More hips, more belly and more boobs.
So now Mama is still faced with this Kangaroo sized pooch that is so obvious to now everyone. Not to mention that there are currently only four pairs of pants that fit in Mama’s closet (and two of them are Juicy sweats). Mama tried to deny the fact that this happening and has refused to buy any bigger jeans or pants but the muffin top currently resting on the top of Mama’s thighs says differently. People probably think Mama is fashion-challenged these days. It’s true, it’s true…the pink denim jeans that Mama wanted will not go with this muffin top so Mama has taken to fashion hibernation in hopes to blend the belly not enhance it.
So what say you Mamas…is having a baby belly a badge of honor? How did you lose the baby weight (no-one mention running…please!)?
My philosophy is simple: just because you're a mom doesn't mean you have to forgo style or your life. You can do it all with a little help from Mama. Mama makes life easier by doing all the shopping, crafting and ranting for you because really...what Mama has the time for that?! Mama will not lie, I can bake but if you're looking for cooking tips you might be better off going someplace else!
